First up, the golden boy…
Here is the before picture of one Buster Posey, the top ranked fantasy catcher, and his projections via Bill James:
//173 hits// 36 2B // 2 3B // 24 HR // 79 R // 98 RBI // 65 BB // 7 IBB//
“Well golly,” you must be saying, “those look like some pretty darn good stats with a mere bare baby face! Does Buster Posey really need a mustache to improve his season?”
Well “Aha!” says I – you are correct, if only partially. You will note that these numbers represent Posey more or less duplicating his stellar 2012 campaign. “Balderdash!” I will further exclaim, for Buster Posey is a righteous dude and I bet he can do better.
So what can allow him to take this leap up?
A mustache, obviously.
Below is a vision of Posey with a mustache, accompanied by the rigorously investigated and meticulously calculated projections of his improved stats for a hypothetical mustachioed 2013 campaign.
(DISCLAIMER: Due to the graphic nature of this artist rendering, the author advises you finish anything you are drinking or eating before continuing to the photo)
//242 hits// 66 2B // 15 3B // 38 HR // 121 R // 133 RBI // 115 BB // 35 IBB//
As you can see, the numbers don’t lie. With complex computer logarithms and mathematical machines, one comes to the simple conclusion that if Mr. Posey was to grow a mustache, he would have a season for the ages. With great mustache comes great confidence. This would allow Buster to be a more aggressive hitter and baserunner. With his new found follically-powered batting eye, he not only can be more confident swinging at borderline pitches, leading to increased hits, but he will also benefit from an increased respect from both pitchers and umpires alike, leading to his improved walk totals. Mr. Posey is by no means fast but by being bewhiskered, he will no doubt have the not only the gall but the aptitude to take the extra base whenever necessary, hence the increased extra base hits.
This exhaustive research has concluded that Buster Posey is on the brink of becoming not only the top fantasy catcher, but a wooly-lipped demigod reigning over the NL West.
Stay tuned for the Comeback Mustache of the Year Candidate and Mustache Sleepers!