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Fantasy Mustache: First Base

First Up, The Canadian Clipper: Joey Votto


Perhaps you have spent the last several years living on an island, either talking to a volleyball or training or become a costumed archer-vigilante, so you don’t know that Joey Votto is really, really ridiculously good-looking. He is also Canadian. Why is this note on his heritage important, you ask? Well America’s northern brethren are known for impressive whisker experimentation (Beard Team Canada.  Check them out.). Observe the grim determination upon Mr. Votto’s face. That is the steely stare of a man regularly in the MVP conversation. The stare of a man whose limited 111 game 2012 does not sit well in his gut. Everyone knows Votto will bounce back, including Mr. Bill James:

46 2B / 27 HR / 97 RBI / 8 SB / 130 BB

Indeed, a fine season looks to be on the horizon. But Votto doesn’t want ‘fine’ he wants stellar he wants extraordinary. He wants to chop down the trees to make his own bats. He wants to hunt for his own meat and curate his own jerky. He wants to command a clubhouse with a mere raised eyebrow.

To reach his fearsome goals, to come back stronger than ever, Joey Votto (or, apparently ‘the Votto-matic” according to Baseball-Reference) must elevate his game, enhance his performance make a statement, and do so naturally, by claiming his fuzzy birthright.

Joey Votto must grow a kick-ass mustache.


Goodness gracious and shiver me timbers.


New mustache line:

68 2B / 55 HR / 211 RBI / 205 BB / 16 SB

Additionally, according to the Mustache Statistical Reporting System ™, Votto will hit 5 triples, sing the national anthem with astounding vibrato, win a game, save a game, and rescue a small child in the stands on a hot July day (I know, the system is amazing).


That’s a man ready for all endeavors.  That’s a man breaking records.  That’s a man with an ox, probably.  I’d bet the new Votto would be successful in everything from pirating ships to thumb wrestling. The predictorbot 4000 has spit out the numbers and the the numbers don’t lie – without a mustache Votto will undoubtedly return to form. With that broom under his nose, Votto sits on the precipice of a legendary season.



Next up, the First Base Mustache near-misses of 2012.


Stay groomed




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