Gordon Beckham needs help. Tearing through the minors at an absurd pace (259 plate appearances. That’s no typo, I triple checked), Gordon showed immense promise with a very solid rookie year in 2009. Hopes were once high, now most fantasy owners would accept a leap to mediocrity. The last two years, Beckham scraped by with WARs of 1.0 and 0.8, respectively (yuck). Jamey Carroll tripled that, to put things in context.
Beckham could use any and all help, just look at Bill James’ projected numbers for the young second baseman.
31 2B / 67 R / 15 HR / 62 RBI / .246 AVG / .314 OBP / .712 OPS
Beckham needs to rejuvenate his still young career. Perhaps his lack of minor league experience has resulted in a fundamental lack of knowledge on some of the deeper hoodoo rituals (reference, here) and good luck tricks. I am sure he has studied hours of video, tinkered with his swing, called his high school coach, tried a different pre-game meal etc. But those are small scale. Beckham needs a supernatural performance overhaul. He needs, if you will, a mystical makeover. He needs a mustache.
SO HE GETS A MUSTACHE.
Look at that thing. Really look at it. That is a power mustache. Look at that face. The intensity of that gaze is now matched by the intensity of that pushbroom under his nose.
Gone is the meandering young man with the sub-1 WAR. Enter the Beckham Wrecker, a true force on the field. With perfect hair atop his head and billowing from his nostrils, he is ready to blossom into the player we once believed in. Wielding his bats like a Bunyanian axe, a Beckham mustache season will be one to remember. Here’s the readout from the Mustache Season Processing Unit:
40 2B / 88 R / 22 HR / 99 RBI / .297 AVG / .385 OBP / .820 OPS
Observe. A mustache really brings up Gordon’s lagging stats. No longer a free-swinging hooligan, Beckham has refined his approach and game as he has refined his facial hair. This type of mustache growth demonstrates a commitment. These follicles need time and care. The patience and dedication to his upper lip will spill over to his craft and Beckham will no doubt stop being terrible. This is more than science, people. This delves into something deeper. Something spiritual. A mustache is more than a growth. It is a statement of faith in yourself, which Beckham clearly needs.
And if the mustache doesn’t work, Gordon can always call upon Jobu: