The Backyard Baseball Banned Substance Scandal: A DotP Exclusive
Backyard Baseball is/was a beloved institution among cartoon sports enthusiasts. Now the world must deal with the shocking revelation that many of the players were enhancing their performance with illegal substances. After a lengthy investigation and the cooperation of a handful of sources, DotP has learned a large number of Backyard Athletes boosted their performance using everything from something called ‘Juice,’ to doctored baseballs, to drugging the other team, causing them to think the ball is dancing around laughing at them.
The allegations are widespread and shocking.
May I remind you that Backyard Baseball really hit it’s groove in 2001. That game is one of the finest of all time, up there with NBA Jam and Tecmo Bowl. But there is a dark, dark history there that no one wants to see the light. Here’s a sampling of some of the MLB players featured in that game:
Jose Canseco. Juan Gonzalez. Alex Rodriguez. Jason Giambi. Ivan Rodriguez. Barry Bonds. Sammy Sosa. Mark McGwire. And Marty Cordova.
As you can see, all but one of those guys is filthy with drug use, implicated every which way from Sunday (One of these guys is Marty Cordova. I don’t think he’s a former steroid user, it’s more just funny that the Twins were so boring in the early 2000’s that their representative was Marty Cordova.). My sources are reporting this interaction resulted in a slew of the Backyard Baseball gang succumbing to the allure of performance enhancing drugs. Forced to compete with the aforementioned ‘roided up MLBers, it is no wonder many players resorted to PEDs – but it is also no excuse. What follows is the list of players we can confirm as cheaters in the Backyard League and their documented rule-breaking:
Ms. Phillips leads the list due to her recent admission that she was, in fact, too old to be playing in the Backyard League at the time. Documentation further proves Phillips regularly consumed a cocktail of drugs meant to mask PEDs. Receipts have been shown that Phillips had a standing monthly order for large, large doses of Human Growth Hormone supplements, a fact that is obvious in hindsight due to the fact that she was double the size of any other Backyard athlete.
In one of the most shocking revelations of the Backyard report, Kawaguchi was cited as utilizing a wide variety of performance enhancing substances. A hero to millions, Kawaguchi served as an inspiration for his play despite a disability. Evidence now points to Kawaguchi using a variety of blood thinning agents, bull extract, the now-infamous ‘deer-antler spray,’ and amphetimines to maintain his solid play and remarkable upper body strength.
A solid player before 2001, Dobbs saw a tremendous spike in power production following that season. He is repeatedly found in documents linked to shocking amounts of testosterone supplements as well as anabolic steroids such as Boldenone, a horse steroid. While his power surged, evidence of the steroid’s side effects can be seen (well, heard) in Dobbs’ extreme high-pitched voice and disproportionate head size.
In another shocking turn, seeming everyman Tony Delvecchio is named in the report for using a wide variety of stimulants to aid his workout routine. The report further suggests that Delvecchio tested positive for an exceedingly high rate of the amusingly named Bromantane as well as Pentylenetetrazol, both workout stimulants. Known for his strong throwing arm, Delvecchio appears to have taken a variety of substances to maintain and bolster his arm strength. Documents also insinuate that Delvecchio’s famous lollipop was, in fact, a hybrid stimulant for in-game use.
Ms. Lui repeatedly shows up in listings for orders of amphetamine blends and for masking agents for the drug Amiphenazole. The more concerning aspects of her drug use, however, stem from documentation that she regularly consumed enormous amounts of MDMA prior to games. The combination of stimulants and MDMA undoubtedly gave Lui her loopy disposition, but also allowed her to run incredibly fast for extended periods of time due to the fact that she rarely felt connected to the ground. DEA officials have confiscated her teddy bear as it is still unclear whether or not the stuffed animal was in any way distributing any or all of these drugs to Ms. Lui in-game.
Thomas tested positive for elevated levels of Ephedrine and Androstanediol in 2003 but had suspension overturned when he won an appeal. Claiming a mishandled sample, Thomas alleges his elevated levels were due to a cold medicine he was taking at the time. While this story has held for some time, as Thomas continued to be a boogery mess, these new reports point to Mr. Thomas using cold medicine as a cover for routine widespread juicing.
Steele is listed as taking a schedule of Human Growth Hormone, Fluvestrant, and Zeranol regularly starting in 2000. These drugs have been tied to bone growth, and inside sources report they may have contributed to Steele’s intensely bizarre long limbs, as well as his girlish physique and vocal patterns.
In what is likely the least surprising aspect of these reports, Pete Wheeler is said to have routinely failed drug tests for Cannibus, starting his first year in the league. However, due to his All-Star status, the league regularly swept these failures under the rug. Between 1997 and 2009, it is said Wheeler failed no fewer than 30 tests. However, as one source said to me, “he maintained an incredibly high level of play, despite what seems like staggering, rap-posse-esque marijuana usage. Also, the kid rarely seemed to know what sport he was playing, so I’d imagine the fans have suspected for some time and simply didn’t care.”
Ashley & Sidney Webber
The Webber sisters, since retiring from the game, have gained some notoriety for their hard-partying ways and inclusion on the short lived Celebrity Twinz reality series. While they report has them linked to heavy mood enhancers and several stimulants (including Fenbutrazate, a psychostimulant used as an appetite suppressant), sources also report the Webbers would routinely spike opponents coolers with everything from low-grade LSD to bath salts, often to horrific effect (recall the under-grounder incident of 2006). The Webber sisters have recently been linked to a cocaine ring in their home town, separate from this PED report.
The Masterminds: Dmitri Petrovich & Jorge Garcia
Behind every scheme, there are the ultimate schemers – someone pulling the strings. In this case, the Backyard Sports World lay at the mercy of two black market drug kingpins. The Backyard Athletes behind a rampant drug culture throughout the league were intelligent, seemingly mild-mannered gentlemen. Both with bookish, shy exteriors, Petrovich and Garcia masked a devious and dangerous system, weaving its way throughout the league. It appears Jorge ran the business and distribution side, while Dmitri was the brains behind the science of the drugs – often experimenting with new ‘drug cocktails,’ emboldened by the success of such substances in other leagues.
Due to lagging testing policy in the BBL for many years, the duo appears to have operated unchecked since 2002, supplying clients across not only the BBL, but other Backyard sports leagues as well. Our sources assure us this is the tip of the iceberg, and that the culture in Backyard Sports was one of drugs, lies, and deceit.
Neither a superstar in the league, the pair seemed content to lay in the shadows, bit players in a game of their own making. Both declined to comment for this expose. Commisioner Clanky plans to release a statement sometime next week. An official within the Backyard League informed me, “We have no comment at this time. The league is conducting an investigation into these allegations and will be open and forthcoming in the days to come.”
It should be noted that Superstar Pablo Sanchez, long suspected of PED usage, has not been found to have any connection to Petrovich and/or Garcia.
This story is still developing, and I urge any reader with further evidence to come forward. The silence in the face of such cheating has tainted a beloved game for long enough.
We apologize for any childhoods that have been ruined.